Sunday, March 16, 2014

How does being fat feel?

It feels good to start the day right. We bought two types of bacon at the Williamsburg farmers market yesterday and tried one out today. It was okay, but was more like store bought bacon than farm bacon. The eggs were great. I added them to sauteed mushrooms for a change. the avocado was great. Fresh, tasty, perfect texture, and a great add-on to the eggs. 

I am trying to read a blog post about what it's like to be fat - What It's Like to Be Fat - A Small Loss. It has been hard to really give it a go and I suspect it's because I will see myself in the post. I decided to make a small list of my own before I finish the reading:
  • Sluggish. This word came to mind first. Moving can be difficult and slow. Getting comfortable is a challenge. Feeling refreshed from sleep is touch and go. 
  • Awkward. Getting dressed is not just a matter of picking out what to wear. It consists, too, of getting those clothes on - pull down the back, hike up the front of the elastic waist pants, put up your leg so you can tie your shoe, and on and on.
  • Frustrating. Do those clothes fit anymore? Are they too tight? Should I save those 'small' clothes for when I get to that weight again? Not being able to climb a hill or fit into a regulation seat. Knowing you're a human being inside this outwardly monstrous body. 
  • Invisible. Fat is the ultimate cloak of invisibility. Others look away. If they do look, it's a look of disgust or pity. It is hiding in plain sight. 
  • Lost. So very lost. 
I've been there. I go there from time to time in my mind and it pushes me forward. The feeling of fat encourages me to exercise, to eat properly, and when I stray, and boy do I stray, it brings me back. How losing weight feels is also of interest:
  • Fit. Or at least able to be fitter. Exercise is difficult when you weight 309 pounds. The cure is as overwhelming as the disease. To exercise, one must get up and move. As a fat person, it's hard to get up and move. The more moving, though, the easier it is to move. 
  • Hopeful. There is a life inside this body. No one is doomed to remain fat. There is hope. It takes effort and new habit building, but it is possible. The concept of hope almost instantly mitigates the feeling of being lost. 
  • Happy. Weight loss does not bring happiness; the physical and mental benefits to losing weight does. The rewards are countable and some not so much. 
I'm fortunate to have had medical intervention - two knee replacements and a wonderful dietary suggestion - three different doctors, three different positive forces. The first knee set in motion an exercise process. I had to go to physical therapy. I wanted my knee to get as functional as it could, and I jumped in feet first. And I worked hard, very hard. I spent weeks in physical therapy and then hit the pool. I had been going to water exercise before the surgery; my goal was in sight long before the first replacement. By the second replacement, I was a little lighter and in the habit of exercising. Then came the suggestion for Whole30 and paleo. 

I am in a better place now. I am not to my weight goal, but I can walk, I eat well, I sleep well, and I'm definitely a happier person. I'll keep blogging and taking pictures of food and me. I'm no longer invisible. I don't want to be invisible ever again.
Simple, but not 100% paleo. Organic cottage cheese, unsweetened applesauce, and some cinnamon. Good midday meal. 
Steak sauteed with asparagus, zucchini, and mushrooms with a bit of bacon fat. I wasn't a fan of the bacon this morning and was not a fan of the flavor with dinner. I made a banana/strawberry Yonanas for after. I'm finally figuring out how to make it and not over-make it. There are a lot of steps, but it so helps with my ice cream addiction. Last night, I made it with cinnamon and vanilla powder. The banana flavor overwhelms, but I'll work on the ripening time. 

I'm working on adjusting sleep hours. Therefore, I'm a touch sluggish today. This will pass in nothing flat. I just need to continue the appropriate bedtimes. The stupid cyst is definitely on the mend and the "cold" is hanging in there. I think it's getting better, but it's so hard to tell. Just when I think I'm done sniffling, blowing my nose, and coughing, it starts again.

I'm glad this day is about over.

No comments:

Post a Comment