Friday, May 25, 2012

Having a moment

No weight loss this week. I'm fine with that after the losses the last two weeks. I will lose this week if it kills me!

But, I'm having a moment. I want to munch. I'm watching the time pass and praising myself for not going into the kitchen for a snack. It's an odd thing, these food urges. I wonder if people who are lighter in weight have these urges and how they handle them.

Not in the best head space right now. I won't snack, but I sure want to.

Still fucking fat. Still fucking working on it.

Saturday, May 19, 2012

Busy day

I've had a couple 'eh' days, and today I'm back in the saddle and holding on just fine.

I added weights to my exercise routine. I saw my upper arms in the mirror and sort of had a moment. No way that's going to go away without some extra work on my part. I don't have a ton of loose skin, so I've got some room to tighten and tone. I've done this before and it's not a hard thing to plan into my days when I don't go to the pool.  I don't expect perfection, but I do expect improvement.

I finished one pair of shorts today and started another. That will be three made and one to cut out. Four pair of new shorts and the old ones that fit should do for Phoenix.

I planted 16 lilies today. I used a hoe rather than a shovel to make up for my knees being stupid. That puts all the lilies in the ground. I need some potting soil to give them a finishing touch. I had a wee stumble, but not a fall. I need to keep working on balance. I suspect that will get better as weight comes off.

Pat came by and showed me some pictures of the beaver dam and we made a date to go out on her trails at 4. We rode through the woods and she showed me some property lines and then we made it to the pond and stopped and got out. The pond is a dammed up spot where there are beaver, turtles, and frogs, not to mention birds and a beautiful view. We saw some ripples in the water near the beavers' house and watched for a while. What do you know! We saw a beaver. She said she and Charlie hadn't seen one thus far, so that was pretty cool.

I came home and fixed dinner and did some work, had an after dinner snack, and now I'm fighting the night time munchies, as usual. I'll be glad when this isn't a daily thing anymore. I want to lose weight, not hate the process. If I gave in every time I had a small urge to munch, I'd be 600 pounds in nothing flat, and we're not going there. I watched Half Ton Mom the other night and she died after her weight loss surgery. It was sad to see someone so young weighing almost 1000 pounds.

I've worked very hard today to keep myself busy and not obsess on food and inactivity. Going in the woods was a good thing. I'm glad that happened today.

Still fat. Still working on it.

Thursday, May 17, 2012

Holy shit, I'mma make it!

That's the total so far. It was 3.4 lost this week and I'm not sure how, but there you have it. I will absolutely make my birthday goal of 50 pounds.

What did I do this week to accomplish this? Well, Tuesday, I ate a 30 point candy bar. Oh yeah, that was a blog post to remember. I have found that I have a fondness for salads and actually have measured the dressing. A little bit goes a long way. I've added protein to the salads in the form of chicken or hard boiled egg. Other than that, it was exercise as usual, counting points every day, and making sure I don't sit on my butt all the time. The only other change I know of is sleep. I have been using medication to help most nights and it's doing the trick. Once I'm asleep, I can stay there. I'll ease off of it as my leg stops being a problem. I'm talking to the orthopedist about that tomorrow. I'm also avoiding naps unless I'm really pooped. And, I'm trying to go to bed at a more decent hour. I love 2 a.m., but it doesn't love me.

I've made one pair of shorts this week and cut another pair out. You can't eat while you sew. I've also been finishing a quilt. You can't eat while you hand sew either.

And I haven't given up, even with given challenges of the week. There's no doubt that I'm still fat, but I'm getting there!

Tuesday, May 15, 2012

Well fuck a duck - I can't be trusted

No, I can't.

I bought a Ritter chocolate bar at Trader Joe's last week. Fast forward to today - I found it in a shopping bag I was getting ready to use for something else. I didn't think twice. I ate it. I fucking ate it. It's not Thursday. I have no points left. And I ate it.

What the hell was I thinking? I can't do that again. I was going to throw the wrapper away and stopped, opened the WW tracker, and added it up. Shit. I'm at negative points for the week! I added my activity points to the week (something I rarely do) and am still at negative 1 point. Shitski. I'll work extra hard in the pool tomorrow, but I just don't know. I may have to chalk this up to extreme stupidity and move on. I also think that I need to hold off on a "day off" this week.

Shitski, fucksi, and pisski. I can believe I did that. It's the way I used to roll. I don't do that now, but then again, yes I do because I did!

Was it worth it? Probably not. I could have eaten 1 serving (the bar is 3 frickin servings!), but I ate the whole thing. It was good, but it wasn't worth it. Nope. It wasn't. Now I'm in a tizzy. It's a temporary tizzy, but it's pissing me off.

Okay, the deed is done. I fucked up and now I move on. Argh.

Still fat, still working on it, and a little miffed at the moment.

Saturday, May 12, 2012

Mind over fucking matter or I hate urges to eat

I hate this time of day. I mean, I really hate it. It doesn't matter what I've eaten up to this point, 6 out of 7 days, I have a nightly battle with old habits. I "want" to go in the kitchen and make something to eat or grab something to eat or whatever. I will not give in tonight, but it still pisses me off.

I've tried distraction (sewing, cards, cleaning), but when I am done with whatever it is, that niggling voice on my devil shoulder whispers to me about the yogurt or the leftovers or the rye bread that would make a great piece of toast, or even the waffles. Nothing is safe, though, if I give in to even one iota of this urge. It could, and has in the past, lead to 'Oh well, I had one; might has well have 10.'


That's the me I know way too well and the me that will get my ass in trouble if I give into unplanned eating. I have met my points level for today and could have a piece of fruit or some green beans, but that's not the point. I don't need to eat at this point in the day. Breakfast, by design of the word, is about breaking the fast. I am learning to start the fast after a nightly snack. That snack has been eaten. A sandwich (had a lot of leftover points). The reality is that I've had plenty. I am not hungry. I just have a fucked up night eating state of mind.

Here's what I think is making tonight so difficult - Richard is out of town, Tom is asleep, and I'm essentially alone. Guess what I used to do when I was alone? Way back in the day, I'd smoke pot and eat. Not long ago, I did just the eating. Before July 25, 2011, I ate every night. I'm sure of it. Since then, I've been done when I was done. And that's where I want to stay.

So, fuck you nighttime urges. I don't need or want you, and I will not give in to you. Just get the frick out of my head and go find some other person to bother.

Still fat - working on it.

Friday, May 11, 2012

Lesson learned, I think

My day off WW is Thursday. So, I got myself a pint of vanilla ice cream and some HoHos, and dug in after I got home from playing cards with my friend. We had had hotdogs with chili for dinner (an off day dinner) and I had a small pack of Little Debbie brownie bites at my friend's house. For lunch, I had a can of Ravioli and some brie/raspberry puffs from Trader Joe's. I didn't have breakfast. The point is, by the time I opened the 'scream and the Hos, I was well over my limit of points for the day. That's what a day off is about, right?

On my tracker on Thursdays, I count all points allowed for the day plus the number of points that one day's worth of the weekly points would be, and generically call that my day's intake. But last night, oy. I ate the 'scream and one pack of the HoHos and felt gross. I felt really, really full and not in a good way. I ate the ice cream because it was there. Same with the chocolate cakes. I didn't sleep well because I couldn't get comfortable and had a stuffed belly. And then this morning, I woke up feeling literally sick to my stomach. I was afraid I was going to have to vomit. I didn't, but I sure did make sure I didn't miss my exercise class. I so needed to move this morning. I wasn't the most social butterfly at the pool, but I moved it and moved it some more, and started feeling a little better.

I'm wondering now if my body is trying to tell me that I'm not cut out for that kind of eating anymore. I'm okay with it if it is. I used to eat a pint of ice cream almost every day and haven't done it in a long, long time. I don't think I'll do it again. I think my body is getting used to smaller amounts of food at one sitting. For instance, for lunch just now, I had two pieces of rye with melted cheese, and a small container of applesauce. I feel full and not gross.

Maybe this is a lesson learned. I can still take my day off, but I need to choose wisely. Going out to lunch and that sort of thing work well, but I can't do this heavy snacking at one sitting again. I really don't like the honestly sick feeling that I had.

Still fat - working on it.

Thursday, May 10, 2012

Weigh in day!

Today was a pleasant weigh in day. I'm down 2.4 this week for a total of 38.6. I do believe I will make my 40-pound goal by fly time (June 6)! My second goal is to make 50 pounds by July 25, one year after starting WW and my birthday. I believe I will make that one too. And guess what? Next year at this time, I'll be closing in on the 100 total that I'd like to take off.

Today's meeting was about motivation. I spoke up and mentioned the women in my exercise class being heroes and inspirations for me, that here they are, some of them well into their 80s, busting their asses right along with me. I want to be them. The other motivations I mentioned were walking and center of balance in honor of having new knees (all I have to do is look down and see the scars and know why I'm working so hard!) and just fucking tired of being the fat one. Someone else mentioned that too. I get it. After a while, you don't care that your friends accept you as you are; you're sick of being fat. Fat, fat, fat, your whole life revolves around being fat. You turn down invitations not because you don't want to attend a function but because you can't attend the function. No more. Fuck that. I want to attend functions and work backstage, and move like a gazelle, well a gazelle with two new knees.

We were asked what brought us there (to Weight Watchers) and I mentioned the picture from Courtney's wedding where I'm sitting with Stefanie. I will not look like that again. It's my official before picture and I'm far from that now.

I'm going to be 57 in July. It's now or never and right now, I'm doing fine and working hard and plan on sticking with it.

So there. 38.6 pounds and still fat, but working on it!

Wednesday, May 9, 2012

Still a fucking warrior!

I love going to my water exercise class. Yes, I said I love it. There are so many times when I try to avoid it due to sleeping late or just not feeling like it, but when I do mind over matter and get my fat ass out of the house, I'm so glad I did. It's an hour of me time three times a week and it makes my body work better and get smaller.

I got swimmer's ear a few weeks ago, so stopped doing the laps of backstroke, but I started it up again this week. Be damned an earache! I'm stronger than they are, right? I'm up to four lengths and headed for the 12 I was doing before I stopped. One of the interesting things about being on the back side of 50 is that things don't happen as quickly as they used to and I have to work up to it. I'll be back at 12 lengths in a couple of weeks.

I move so much more freely in the water and it so helps my movement on land. I want to be able to go to Busch Gardens in the fall and that will take a healthy dose of walking. I'll get there. With continued exercise and weight loss, I can do anything because I'm a fucking warrior!


Still fat - working on it!

Thursday, May 3, 2012

Can I get an "whoo hoo" up in here?

Even after traveling to Florida, eating out a lot, and missing a few exercise classes, I'm finally at the magic -35 mark. Thirty-fucking-five pounds. Gone. Just like that. My goal is still 50 by my birthday. I just might make it. I'll come damned close!