Sunday, December 30, 2012

I win!

That nasty refrigerator ain't got nuttin on me. I won again.

My hours have changed in a big way, so it's no longer "no eating after 11;" it has become "no eating after 8." And today, I did it.

I am hopelessly addicted to food and am more aware of that than ever. Richard ate two snacks sitting beside me - no, make that three. I took a tiny bite of his peppermint patty, but what got me more than that was the smell of his corn chips. I asked him to move the plate away from me, that they smelled too good. Way too good. Both of these are huge for me. I would have preferred my own peppermint patty or at least half of his. I would have, in the past, definitely helped him eat his plate of corn chips. I can almost smell them now as I write this. That's fucking sad, isn't it?

I will work very hard to win again tomorrow and the tomorrows beyond that. It's an hour at a time. February needs to see me 10 pounds lighter and there's only one way to do that and that is to take care of myself. And I will.

I signed up for Gym Pact. Tomorrow is my first day for that. You pay $5 each time you do not make your gym goal. For instance, I committed to three times a week at one hour each. It doesn't matter what day it is, but I need to have three days between Sunday and Saturday. At the end of the week, if you meet your commitment, you receive a take of those people's $5 payment who didn't meet theirs. We'll see!

I'm feeling pretty good about things right now. I need to hold onto this feeling.

Oh, and by the way, I'm still fucking fat and I'm still fucking working on it.

Friday, December 28, 2012

Small goal week

I am going to set a small goal each day this week, from today through Thursday. NYE may be an interruption, but I'll address that when it happens. I do plan on drinking, but not sure what or how much just yet. But that's not today.

Today, my goal is to stay within my points. I will use my weekly if necessary, but my mini-goal is to stay away from those points so that I have them available on December 31. If I play my cards right.....

I have so many options this week. I have good foods and junk foods and everything in between. I bought some Whoppers for my day off yesterday. BUT, I scanned them to check the points and lordamercy! They're 6 points for 18 of them, and that little carton has 2.5 servings. So, hands off of those. I might toss them in the trash or stick them in the freezer. For now, they're on the counter. If they taunt me, I will make a move toward disposal of some sort.

I've been on hold since the beginning of November, putting on and taking off the same 1-3 pounds over and over. Now that would be fine if I were at my personal goal, but I'm not. I'm halfway to my personal goal. I have much work ahead. That's the long term plan and I'll get there one step at a time. I'm ready to buy new clothes again. I don't want to become too comfortable in this body.

I have even toyed with doing things on my own and ditching Weight Watchers. I thought better of that and am definitely sticking with what's working.

So, happy end of the year to my fat. It's time to show it the door.

Still fucking fat. Still fucking working on it.



Thursday, December 6, 2012

Re-evaluate

I was down 0.2 last week and up 0.6 this week. I'm playing with the same pound over and over and going nowhere. This has got to stop and I only know one way to do that. Stick to it and move forward. I've been exercising regularly, adding laps as I go. I know I didn't do well last week with intake, so that's what it had to be. Therefore, there's but one thing to do - make it happen. 

I think Weight Watchers is still the way to go and tracking is a huge key. My personal commitment is tantamount to the process. So, I'm making a promise to myself to go for a perfect week. I was hoping for a 2-pound loss this week and that did not happen. I'll make it happen in the upcoming week.

More blogging to come. I think this is part of my personal process as well. 

Wednesday, November 14, 2012

I've lost my way!

I am so fucking lost! I am fine during the day and at night, I'm fucked. I am not into this. I have gotten rid of damned near everything that is tempting and speaking to me food-wise, but this is pissing me off.

I have begun this Wednesday with another new resolve. I really do not want to be the night eater I once was. This fucking sucks. It's like someone who doesn't give a shit has crawled into my head and taken over.

Time to think about why I want to lose weight again and make a list and check it thrice? We have a new addition to the family and I'm ever-vigilant as far as she's concerned. I may have replaced my overeating awareness with puppy awareness?

Okay, that was an eye opener. I never thought of that before right this minute! I may have replaced my overeating awareness with puppy awareness?  I bet that's it. I have room in my heart and soul for more than one child. That means I have room in my awareness and vigilance mind for more than one concern.

I think I'll digest that thought for a little while and take it from here. One day at a time.

Still fucking fat and still fucking fighting it.

Sunday, November 11, 2012

The post in which she admits she's out of control

I am completely out of control. I lost my way in Phoenix and I keep trying to get it back. I cannot remain in this state.



I did not exercise appropriately while I was out of town. I am back to pool exercise tomorrow in the morning. To add to the life change of getting my eating out of control, I've acquired a puppy. She will spend her first time in the crate while I'm gone tomorrow. I've never used a crate before, but it apparently is a godsend. We'll see how it goes.

I went to Weight Watchers once while in Phoenix. I made every excuse possible not to go back. I did a good job of eating okay, but not great. The last few nights, I've not given a shit and I want my shit back.

There are so many things to say, but none of them are 100% honest. They're filled with rationalization, assholieness, and god knows what else.

I'll leave you with this and the knowledge that I'm blogging and making a resolve to stay within my points tomorrow if it kills me.
Me and my new baby, Abbey Road. 

Still fucking fat and still fucking working on it.


Thursday, October 18, 2012

Well pooh

Fuckin crap on a stick. I'm up 2 this week. It's sort of what I expected, but I'm never happy about it. Monday and Tuesday were a wash with travel prep and then travel, so now, on the wagon for a week and take this 2 off and maybe 1 more. The Weight Watchers meeting here leaves a lot to be desired, but at least I'm going, right? Right.

We did talk about eating at night and about having conversations with ourselves on the way to the kitchen. The leader 'led' for a half hour and not a penny more. I'll go there for the next 2 weeks, but maybe I need to find one with a more dynamic person in charge. That's part of what I pay for. And it's a lot of what I need.

I had a little adventure on the way home and took a few wrong turns, but made my way to The Good Egg for brunch. I had some amazing broiled mushrooms with my eggs. I ended up bringing about half of that home to have with something else. Another thing I did right, even though it's my day off, was to order tomatoes instead of potatoes. They actually tasted like tomatoes! Then it was off to Safeway in a very round about, almost lost way, while not hungry, to buy things that help me during the week. I did pass one yard sale, so I had to stop there and buy junk.

I think I mentioned yesterday that I was almost expecting a gain this week, so there's no big surprise. It's back on the wagon and just keep moving forward. No looking back.

Still fucking fat and yep, I'm still fucking working on it.

Wednesday, October 17, 2012

Phoenix again!

Here I am in Phoenix and it's not 150°! Someone ordered good weather for me and I'm down with that.

Yesterday was an oddball eating day. I counted the max points for the day and will hope for the best. Today? Still not back to exactly on target, but closer. Tomorrow is my first meeting in Scottsdale and I suspect I'll be up a pound or two, but that's okay. I'll take it back off again. Today was time zone adjustment day. I am totally time zone challenged, but I'll get there (just about time to go home). Eh, the graph goes down, but it goes up and down in spots. This will be one of those up and down weeks.

I suspect it's too chilly to walk in the pool, so I'm going to have to break out the Reeboks and see if I can hobble to the corner (about 1/10 mile) and back. Walking on land ain't my strong suit, yet. 

Not much to bitch about today so will leave it at this:

Still fucking fat. Still fucking working on it.

Saturday, October 13, 2012

Another week - keeping nights clean

<-- Ain't that the frickin truth? It's a hard concept to grasp, but it is the truth. That's just the way it is. There are frowny days on the journey. But there are a whole lot more smiley days.

Here's the thing. My weight graph, if drawn from beginning to the present, is a down angle. There are little blips of up, but they are blips. Nothing more.

In the past, I've let the blip define me. If there was an upward trend of any sort, I would give up. Simple. Why bother when I'm just gonna fuck it up anyway? In the present, I see it for what it is and move on. I don't plan upward blips, but they happen. I think that's reality and now "normal" people live. I can't focus or dwell too much on the frowny days; the smiley days and overall trend are the reality.

I am taking another week of not eating past 10 p.m. Tonight, I had one chunk of Tom's Hershey bar. He handed me 3; I gave him 2 back. He offered to pick something up for me when he went out and I reminded him it was after 10 p.m. and that I just couldn't do it. Bravo. Success. One in the plus column!

I'd love to say, "I've got this thing," but it is indeed a daily work in progress.

Still fucking fat. Still fucking working on it (even with a tiny bite of chocolate included).

Friday, October 12, 2012

Wow, just wow!

I just got this via email from MotiveWeight and it just about took my breath away and made me cry. I've often known there was someone "in there" and I just had to set her free. Well, she's coming out, one lost pound at a time, and it's important to remember that it's just an insulator from the outside world that keeps one safe from scrutiny or any type of being noticed.

I've commented on this before in other points in my life, but I keep coming back to it - I'm more visible when I'm not heavy. Perhaps the visibility has, in the past, made me uncomfortable. It doesn't now. I welcome being noticed and not shunned due to being humongous. I cherish my new and evolving body and plan not to make it grow and shrink any longer.

Weigh-in was beautiful yesterday. I was down 2.4 and I'm very good with that. In 2.4 pounds, I'll be out of the 250s. I can't wait. I had my snack attacks yesterday and am back in the swing of things today, and will be for the week. Scottsdale next Thursday!

Still fucking fat and still fucking working on it. That fat suit doesn't come off all at once, but it does shed. Oh yes it does.

Thursday, October 11, 2012

10 p.m. challenge, 5th day

I've made it 5 days successfully - no eating after 10 p.m. Secondarily, I stayed within points and ate properly. Whew. Let's hope the weigh-in tomorrow reflects the effort.

Rita taught the exercise class today. Charlotte is out with some medical stuff happening. I hope Charlotte is fine, but I was mighty happy to see Rita getting out of her car in the parking lot at the Rec Center. She and I talked about potential future personal training. She's open to it and so am I. I suspect that at some point, I'm going to get tired of this water class. We'll see.

And look what Starbucks has done - Pumpkin Spice Latte ice cream. I'm definitely going to have to try it. Damn you Starbucks!

I have had a particularly bitchy evening from the inside out. I held it together while Allison was visiting and when talking to Ronnie on the phone, but I was mean to Richard and I'm not sure it was fair. Thursday is another day, so let's hope the mood improves. I need good spirit to continue maintaining my efforts with the weight loss and exercise. It was just a shitty hour or so and I can't wait to go to bed and sleep it off.

I have set myself another challenge for next week and it goes something like this - Other than fly day (Tuesday, the 16th), stay within points and walk either in the pool or on the sidewalk for the week. My long term goal is -10 by the end of November. I can do that with determination and my natural hardheadedness.

Still fucking fat for today, though, and still fucking working on it.

Monday, October 8, 2012

10 p.m. Challenge, Day 3

Here it is, 11:15 p.m. on day 3 of my personal challenge of not eating beyond 10 p.m. for a week. So far, so good. I also stayed within points very nicely today, including vegetables and fruits galore.

On a side note, Richard had his neck cyst surgically removed today, so we're hoping that part of ickiness is over for him. He can get back to living and quit having to deal with that damned thing.

I picked up yogurt, a couple honey crisp apples, and some cottage cheese this evening. I really don't want to have a lot of stuff in the frig, but I figured I'd better get some decent stuff to keep up breakfast and lunch, or I'll surely overdo it with crap foods before I leave for Phoenix next Tuesday.

So, here's to day 3 being in the process of completion. I trust me enough to make sure that this will be a successful day. My declared long term goal is 10 pounds by the end of November. I know that's not unreasonable. It will take work, but I'm worth it. Why would I want to remain fat as fuck? I don't. I'm willing to take this on and make it so. I even ordered 1X shirts today to wear this winter. I did the same thing before summer, but then it was ordering 2X. I have gotten almost all of the 3X and 2X things out of my closet and hope to never see them again. Lots to think about today.

Still fucking fat. Still fucking working on it.

Sunday, October 7, 2012

Making it again

It's time for the 10 p.m. challenge again. Meals are done. Snacks are done. It's time to hold off on eating until the fast is broken. I can do this.

I did have some ginger snaps tonight (before the time limit) and logged them on my food thingie. Other than that, it's been a day of good foods and tasks accomplished. I got things done that I set out to do. I'll be leaving next Tuesday. In the meantime, Richard's surgery is tomorrow (cyst thing), I have a haircut scheduled, I have work to be done, and lord knows there's laundry on the schedule. I'll miss the pool tomorrow, but I'll be there on Wednesday and Friday.

But bottom line, it's past 10 p.m. and the kitchen is closed.

Still fat. Still working on it.

Making deals with myself

I fuckin missed it. I made a deal with myself that I would not eat after 10 p.m. today. When did I realize this? At 11 p.m. after I had had pretzels and had taken out another thing for snack for later. I came so close! I put the other snacks back in the drawer from whence they came and decided that I need to pick myself up and do this again tomorrow.

10 p.m. sounds late to most, but it's not to me. I work fairly late and get up about 8 hours after that fairly late, so 10 p.m. is mid-evening for me. At any rate, I fucked up. It's not worth hating myself over for sure. Interestingly, I posted this picture on Facebook earlier:

How bout them apples. It's almost like I had a premonition. Sigh.

I'm doing very well, and yet every day is a challenge. Every night is a "war." Will this ever get easier?

I put on 2.6 pounds after my trip to Florida. At weigh-in this week, I had taken the 2.6 pounds off. I then had a doctor's appointment after the WW meeting and was given kudos for weight and general fitness, and we're making plans to lower some of my medications.

It just went from Saturday to Sunday on my clock. It's a new day. Guess what? I'm still fucking fat and I'm still fucking working on it. Guest what x2? It's all good. Very good indeed.

Sunday, September 30, 2012

My danger hours

Just because the house is either in bed or asleep does not mean that I have carte blanche to eat. I have not had all the calories and points of my day wiped out. In fact, I am done. I have met my points limit and if I have anything else, it has to be a veggie, fruit, or taken out of my weekly allowance. Those are the facts.

The not so factual side of my brain is generally in overdrive when it gets dark, gets close to 9 p.m., or everyone else is upstairs or out. I come up with at least 1000 reasons why I can have a snack or talk to myself about having something and counting it for tomorrow, or even worse, I tell myself that I can do this tonight and just not do it again. That is not how it works, Donna Marie!

I will have a snack free night. I've had my meals and my snacks. I'm done for today.

Repeat. I am done for today.

When I was in Florida last week, I didn't eat every night like there was no tomorrow. What was my post that time about a lion being fed again at the next mealtime?

Sigh, another night, another fight with my inner addict.

Saturday, September 29, 2012

Reality Check

Reality - Gives me the creeps.

Watched an episode of Honey Boo Boo last night and mom (June - pictured) weighed herself.  Want to know what she weighed?

309 pounds! 

That was my starting weight.

Fucking reality check in a big way. Scares me to death to think that I weighed that at my first Weight Watchers meeting in July 2011. I need to always remember this. I am not June Boo Boo.

On a side note, talked to a friend who has lost a considerable amount and feel much, much better about my mini-stall. Nothing will get in my way. If it does, I could be Mrs. Boo Boo, and that ain't gonna happen. I'll be cleared to lift weights when I go to the ortho this week and I'll also be back to the pool on Monday. The sitting in a car for four days probably didn't help. I ate right on the trip, but that's about it. It just goes to show how important exercise is.

Who knew Honey Boo Boo could be motivating!?!

Still fat, still working on it.

Kick it

I'm kicking it into high gear. I made my 55, then became a tad complacent, so put 2.6 of that back on according to this week's weigh in. Rhere are no excuses, but there are factors involved - a Wednesday through Monday trip to Florida. While driving for 2 days down and 2 days back, I was very careful about what I chose to eat. Then at Robin's parents' house, I was careful too. Perhaps when I got home I overate. I definitely have not been to the pool in a week and a half. Those things will have to stop.

I'm home now, did my weigh in, and now want to take off another 5-10 pounds. That will take some hard work and I can get this done. My plan includes:
  • Track like crazy. If it goes in my mouth, it goes on the tracker.
  • Go to the pool Monday, Wednesday, and Friday.
  • Continue to enjoy the fruits I bought. 
  • Cook healthily. 
  • Hold off on night eating. 
Easy steps for me to take. WW has asked that we bring in our trackers next meeting. I can do that too!

So, kick it into high gear, gal. 

Still f*in fat. Still f*in working on it.

Friday, September 14, 2012

Breakfast food find, high on life, & danger

I tried a frozen breakfast this morning. After calculating that it was 8 points, I decided to pop it in the microwave. The picture on the box was right purty! The reality, though, wasn't nearly as classy.
Here's a major surprise, though - it was pretty good. The bacon was tasty and got crisp in 3 minutes. The Hash browns, though not even close to the rectangle on the box, were tasty. I busted them up with the fork and had them with the eggs. The eggs were okay; they were pre-scrambled; you can't expect but so much. I used a little pepper and sprinkled on about a 1/2-ounce of shredded cheddar. Of course, I had ketchup with the eggs! The other good news is I bought a few of these because they were on sale for $1. I figured at the worst, I could cook it and put it on toast for a sandwich, sans the potatoes.

I spent yesterday sort of way happy with myself. After Richard took the progress photo, I was even more so! We talked about how 10 pounds now is a higher percentage of my overall weight than 10 pounds was before, so it does show, and it does make a difference. When I got to Robin's last night, both she and JT told me I looked different. I guess the world is noticing.

Danger alert: There lurks danger in the satisfaction. It is not time to become lackadaisical or overly comfortable with the progress. There remains much work to be done. Face it, I'm a fat bitch still! I need to remember that, while not minimizing what I've done to this point. Hard balance, but I can do it. I just can't take any of this lightly. 

In the meantime, still fucking fat and still fucking working on it.



Thursday, September 13, 2012

Friday, August 31, 2012

Re-energized

I entitled this picture "could be me" because it could. I put my face on this woman because I a) have no clue who she is and b) wanted to see me on that body. I've no idea what this person weighs, but it sure could be me.

It's been a week of mayhem and throwing caution to the wind. I had carpal tunnel and trigger finger surgery a week ago and have left the cooking up to my husband. I also have not been able to go to the pool. I've been lax about tracking and just said "meh" to the whole process this week. "I'll do better tomorrow."

Well, tomorrow is here. I went up 2.6 pounds this week. Realistically, I should be mortified, but I'm not. I'm down 51 pounds and in a short time, I'll be at 20% weight loss. That's pretty fucking amazing! I shopped yesterday and have great foods and plans for meals. I now have a freezer, so I can take advantage of sales and gardens. My income may have been cut in half, but my efforts to continue gaining my life back as I lose weight and make behavioral changes has been redoubled.

This week's topic was conveniently - turning over a new leaf. Good timing. I went to the meeting even though I knew I had gained, and then I enjoyed my Thursday off. Today has started out very well. I cut the leftover whoopie pies from Trader Joe's in half, figured out the points (3), and put the halves in bags to freeze them. I got my chicken packed up and frozen. I had to buy pre-squished burgers this time because my hand is not quite 100% yet. I cut up the watermelon wedge and now have chunks to grab when I want them. I bought pre-peeled hard boiled eggs for salad and snack, and I have some amazing pineapple spears just waiting to be eaten.  The bottom line is, this week, I am ready.

I said to a friend last night, "I am where I was going." She understood. It's a good time to be 57 years old, my friends.

Still fucking fat and still fucking working on it.

Wednesday, August 22, 2012

Day 5!

Day 5 is done and I made it yet again, even with just an occasional cigarette. I'm on my way to quit by Thursday. I'll make it for sure.

I bought a box of Frosted Cheerios! Why? Well, there's a story to that. I was shopping recently at Whole Foods in Short Pump and she bought some organic Frosted Morning O's. Go figure. On checking WW points, I found that hers were the same as mine. Albeit, hers has more fiber, they both are delicious and are an occasional snack, not an every day food.

I've been working hard on balancing protein with carbs and making sure I get some dairy in every day. I am not the best at the good health guidelines as recommended by WW, but I try.

The Good Health Guidelines
1. Eat at least five servings of vegetables and fruits each day, (nine servings if you weigh over 350 pounds.)
2. Choose whole-grain foods, such as brown rice and oats, whenever possible.
3. Include two servings of milk products – low fat (1%) or fat-free – each day. If you’re a nursing mom, teenager, over 50 years old, or weigh more than 250 pounds, you should have three servings of milk products each day.
4. Have 2 teaspoons of healthy oils (olive oil, canola, sunflower, safflower or flaxseed) each day.
5. Ensure that you are getting enough protein by choosing at least a serving or two of lean meats, skinless poultry, fish, beans, soy products, and lentils.
6. Limit added sugar and alcohol.
7. Drink at least 6 8-ounce glasses of liquid a day. Water is the best choice.
8. Take a multiple vitamin-mineral supplement each day.
I guess the Cheerios don't fit number 6. Eep!

On another note, I'm feeling so much better today. I'll be going back to water class tomorrow rather than going to exercise at Robin's. It's too chilly in the morning these days!

Bottom line is I'm going to make my perfect week. I indeed am using some of the weekly points. Maybe next time I do this, I'll try to not use the weekly points.

Still fucking fat, still fucking working on it.

Monday, August 20, 2012

Day 4?

I think it's day 4. I'm still on track except that I didn't go to the pool today. I was feeling way more than punky last night and today, a-g-a-i-n! Thankfully, this afternoon, I did start feeling better. The headache is 95% gone and my energy is returning.

I have a very busy day tomorrow. The freezer and dishwasher are being delivered; I will be out of cigs and will stay out of them; I need to go to the post office, library, and Walmart; and we'll see what else comes up.

For today, though, still fucking fat and still fucking working on it.

Sunday, August 19, 2012

Day 3 of perfect

I'm always shooting for a goal of some sort. This week's goal is to make it a perfect points week. I have used a few weekly points today, but that's still on target.

Unfortunately, I am feeling a tad under the weather again. I hope a good night's sleep puts me back on the feeling okay track. I say it's allergies, but I really don't know. I took some Claritin and we'll see. I have exercise class tomorrow, so it's a "school night" and I'll get to bed earlier than most nights.

Day 3 is under my belt and I am indeed going for the goal, every day. Every single day.

Still fucking fat and still fucking on it.

Saturday, August 18, 2012

Day 2 of "perfect"

It's been a good WW day. I got up fairly early, went out to breakfast (my restaurant breakfast is 13 points; I get the same thing every time), then went yard saling and to feed my friend's cat. When I got home, we decided to go grocery shopping. After that, I ended up breaking a bowl; it shattered into at least one million pieces on the tile. That was followed by sweeping, mopping, and vacuuming, all very active housework. So the first part of the day was filled with activity. Not bad for a non-exercise day!

After I broke the bowl, I had my watermelon and cottage cheese. I've been craving and eating a lot of watermelon lately. Who knew it was so good? I bought the ingredients to make the infamous/famous 3-2-1 Cake. I got Angel Food and Dark Chocolate cakes. I made it for my snack tonight as I had just the right amount of points left. It was very, very dry. I think I'll try to make it with applesauce or baby food plums to moisten it up next time. I also have some canned peaches I could blend up and use, or I could blend up some of my frozen strawberries and use them for the "liquid."

I have been working on balancing carbs with protein. I make an effort every day to keep the balance so that my diabetes will stay in control and possibly, I can get off some meds as I continue to take off the weight.

Lastly, I got some good motivational photos in my email today, and am sharing them here. They spoke to me in a good way and I want to keep them in mind the next few days. Everyone needs some extra motivation, right?

For the remainder of the day, I'll battle the kitchen thoughts. It's just part of my daily jam. Perhaps some day I will push past it and not have food thoughts at night, but I think it's so ingrained now that it's a part of me. Oh well!

Last picture - I don't know who this person is, but her after photo is what I'm shooting for. I think her body reflects where mine was last year, but others say it doesn't. Don't care. I like her after shot.
That picture came from this page of before and after shots - http://thechive.com/2012/08/15/people-who-are-proud-they-shed-the-pounds-33-photos/

Day 2 of perfect points and planning on what's up for day 3 tomorrow.

And so it goes. I am still fucking fat and guess what? I'm still fucking working on it!




Friday, August 17, 2012

P.S. on 8/12's post

My headache turned into a flu lite. Tom had it and some friends online had it. I had no energy at all and wanted nothing more than to sleep. I missed a bit of work, didn't care what I ate, and ended up missing some exercise because I just didn't have it in me at all. It's gone today and that's a good thing.
Day 1 is under my belt. I've decided to have a perfect week. My goal is to stay within points all week with a minimum of weekly points used. Today included good food, and exercise not only at the pool, but walking about the hospital. I got some errands taken care of and overall, it's been a fun day.

I took a no weigh day yesterday. I sort of threw caution to the wind last week, not totally, but enough that I was not comfortable stepping on the scale. I have begun again with day one and am pretending that I haven't lost 50 pounds, that I am at my starting weight. I'd like to move it along a little faster than 50 pounds in a year, but I'm okay with that rate if that's how it turns out.

I cannot explain why I have times, a day or more than one day, where I just don't care. That's the old me. I do care. I continue to fight the night eating battle, but that's nothing new. In the past, I would need to process this and figure out the why, but for now, I'm moving forward and not perseverating on it. I feel like a winner and don't care to feel like even a smidgen of a failure.

Day 1 and I'm still alive. Yup, still fucking fat and still fucking working on it.

Sunday, August 12, 2012

The picture says it all

Stop the fucking madness. For three days, it's been 'whatevah.' That stops right this minute. First we had Thursday and the "free day" mentality. Then Friday came the leftovers of Friday. Yesterday was not bad. Today, I ate pop tarts and then had lunch out with Allison, followed by bread pudding.

Sunday night ends it. I want to lose another 50.

So, there you have it. I'm pissed at me. I need to turn this right side out and make it work for me. I worked out Friday, walked Whole Foods today, and am working out tomorrow.

As a side note, I have a headache. I wonder if it's related to the crap I'm eating and a rise in blood sugar. I feel 10 times better when I don't do this shit.

Still fucking fat. Still fucking working on it.

Sunday, August 5, 2012

Must not give in

I am so fucking frustrated. I am fighting with the kitchen, yet again. It's a never ending battle, it seems. But,I lost my 50, 53 as of weigh in on last Thursday. As I showed off my before picture and the overshirt I wore when it was taken, I told the group that it's a daily struggle, and it is.

I am an addict.

60 Minutes did a thing tonight about sugar/sweeteners and showed how it excites the same portions of your brain that cocaine and other drugs do. They posited that that brain excitement goes down with small amounts so that you have to increase your intake to get the same effect, which also diminishes and you have to increase  your intake yet again. And so it goes with lots of addictive substances. I do not think that sweets are my drug of choice; I think it's just plain food in general.

I have had a couple snacks tonight, but I added them honestly to my journal. More importantly, I have NOT opened the can of icing that is in the kitchen screaming my name. It keeps saying "holy SHIT, Donna! Eat me!" I've tuned it out. It was bought for a social that I didn't attend today. I'll make the cake next week, so the icing is spoken for, but here's how my mind works:


A spoonful would be delicious. Okay, it would probably be a couple of spoonfuls. Just put it in the journal and move on. If I ate two, I may as well go ahead and eat three spoonfuls. You know, a bowl of it would be good.

The reality is that I could easily eat the whole fucking can. Therefore, I will not even have a bite. There's no reason to eat icing out of a can. That's addictive behavior.

I am David. My overeating and formerly fat person intake are Goliath. I will win. I win a little bit every single day. I struggle most days. But the bangin' body I ordered is en route and that's just that.

Still fucking fat. Still fucking working on it.

Thursday, August 2, 2012

I've got a feeling...

.....that weigh in is gonna be a-okay. Little leery, but that's okay. I know I've done the right things this week and that can only work in my favor. I'm taking the overshirt I wore in my before picture and am wearing the white tee that is in that picture. I'm also taking the before picture for those who may have forgotten what I looked like when I walked in there last July 27.

Okay, here goes nothing! Next stop - sleep, wake up, shower, and weigh in.

Monday, July 30, 2012

Groove. I gots it. (updated 08/2013)

See the grooves over there --> ? That's where I am. In the groove.

I will fight night eating for the rest of my life, methinks, and I just have to get over it. I'll deal with it every single day, including today, but I will not let it throw me off my path to success.

My long term goal is to have lost 100 pounds by July 2013. My intent is to make it with some ups and downs and a whole lot of reality involved.

For today, I will stay out of the kitchen now that dinner and snack are done. I will take pride in my exercise today. I am a warrior in the groove.

Still fucking fat. Still fucking working on it.

Update: I did not make the 100 by July 2013. I have, though, made 85 and a lot of changes that broke down my plateau and has taken me into a really amazing part of my life. My new long-term goal is 100 by mid-October 2013. I'm losing slowly, though, so it's more realistic to look toward 100 by 2014. Regardless, Whole30 and paleo have been very, very good to me and I'm not looking back.

Sunday, July 29, 2012

Whew

Okay then - yesterday is over and I'm out of the funk. I got this thing.

I don't know why I backslide or even think about it, but I do. I'm human more than I know. I really need to keep my eye on the prize, though.

Not every day is a great day. Today has been a fine day, nutritionally and mentally. I think part of what is different today is that I got a good night's sleep. I've been busy and active all day, and have paid close attention to what goes in my mouth, writing down everything. (Last night when I overdid it a bit, I wrote that all down too.)

Like I said, I've got this thing. I don't want to fail and I don't want to falter, but I think that's part of the whole process. I'd like to wake up tomorrow morning 50 pounds lighter, but that's not going to happen. Next July, though, I will be 50 pounds lighter. That's a given.

Still fucking fat and still fucking working on it.

Saturday, July 28, 2012

Having a tough time

I'm not so much drowning as I am floating along at the same weight for the last three weeks. I have found myself making excuses for eating at night or other times during the day when I have no allowance left to so so. I put a stop to it every single day.

I reached my birthday and am 49 pounds down. My goal was 50 down by my birthday. I will make the 50 this week, just a few days after a year after joining WW.

The saying "One year from now, you will wish you had started...." comes to mind a lot these days. Well, it is one year from now and I'm not wishing I had started WW; I did start WW and am working hard to stick with it.

I vow to myself that the remainder of this week will be right on point, so to speak. I've avoided munching tonight and will avoid it tomorrow night, but I sure did try to convince myself that it would be okay to have a "couple Twizzlers" or something else. My inner conversation was to not do that. I already had cheese and crackers that required use of weekly points. I fought the demon and won for tonight. It's habit - I am not hungry. I simply must, must, must not continue to have these inner battles. Sigh. I will not go back to bad habits.

Still fucking fat and still fucking working on it.

Friday, July 6, 2012

Almost there

I have 1.8 pounds to go before I reach the magic 50-pound mark. I've lost 48.2 as of today's weigh in. I am hoping to get to 50 by next Thursday.

While I was in Phoenix, I attended WW and lost weight each week. My first meeting after returning home last week, I was up 3.2 pounds. Today, I was down 3.2 pounds. Amazing how that worked out!

I had a doctor's appointment today and he suggested that WW would stop working after a while and to not be discouraged. He said to start using MyFitnessPal when that happened. I checked out MFP, and it's a lot like other weight loss sites, lots of tools and community. Right now, though, I still need the group. I need to get up, get dressed, and weigh in. The weigh in tends to remind me to stick with it all week long. I'm not ready to give that up.

What I can do, though, is to beef up the vegetables and back off on fruits for a while. My diabetes will appreciate that. My A1C was up this time (7.9) and that's not necessarily a good thing. It's still in an okay range, but I've had much lower and well controlled numbers in the past.

Given the need to continue losing weight and the continuing saga of the diabetes, I'll keep going to WW and keep doing my pool exercise three times a week. It's working for me right now. I can limit the intake of carbs a bit to make life in the blood sugar world a little better. I have more energy than ever and am sleeping better than who knows when.

Other than that, my bloodwork is good, my blood pressure is down, and I continue to make progress in the fat ass department.

Still fucking fat and still fucking working on it!

Monday, June 18, 2012

Subliminal guilt


I dreamed of eating last night. I dreamed of eating a LOT last night. There were burgers and things that looked like burgers that were wrapped in dough and who knows what else. All for me. All for the eating. I even dreamed that I should count all the points and I didn't do it.

I wonder if my subconscious is trying to tell me to tighten it up a bit after yesterday's brunch outing? Odd thing, this brain in my head.

I'll be exercising in an hour and will feel much better in the awake world. I think I'll listen to the intended message from my sleep and watch my intake closer for a few days..... just in case!

Still fat. Still working on it! Even in my sleep, I think.

Sunday, June 17, 2012

Chicken and waffles

Ate brunch here today. It came out to 36 points and yeah, it was worth it. I counted each and every morsel and reminded myself that this is what weekly points are for. We're having a veggie stir fry for dinner, which is a good thing.

I still don't understand the chicken and waffles phenomenon. It was good, but I don't need to do it again. The red velvet cake was super rich and not as sweet I would have expected (I only ate half of the average sized piece that they served).

Now to watch my Ps and Qs for the remainder of the week.

Still fucking fat and still fucking working on it!

Saturday, June 16, 2012

This is how you do it. One pound at a time. I love the way the graph looks. It's going down, but the reality is there are inverse dips going upward in there that prove that it can be done even with a faux pas here and there.

I have to look at the graph once in a while to remind myself that it's working. I feel pretty damned fat these days, but look at that total lost - 47.6. I was fatter in the beginning for sure!

This is a two-year trek that will end with the rest of my life. I don't see -100 as an end point. It's where I begin to begin. I'd like to become one of those lifetime members who gets everything for free. I'll be doing this every day forever and I'm okay with that for some reason. Once a week, I splurge and I don't worry about it. If that starts to seem to be a roadblock, I'll hold back on that.

The key for me is WW and exercise. It's helping me lose weight, it's improving the health of my knees, and I just plain feel overall better even though I'm still fucking fat and working on it.

-47 something and a new picture

I am totally not responsible for that look on my face! I look like I am about to be sick, but trust me, I'm not. I'm kind of proud of this one. I'm so close to 50 pounds down!

I saw myself on the cam at the basketball game tonight and my arms were folded, and all I saw were dimples. Dammit! Now I have to lift weights more often. The middle of me will keep coming off, but it looks like I'm going to have to truly keep working it to get those arms into shape.

I'm in Phoenix and going to meetings here, and this week lost a mite bit. Felt good and now to keep it going on.

I did find out that my knees are not quite ready for scrunching up at the basketball game, but the left one did a lot better than I thought it was.

So, yeah, still fucking fat, but working on it!

Tuesday, June 12, 2012

-44.4 That was the tally as of Thursday of last week. I found a meeting in Scottsdale, AZ that coincides with my usual meeting day, so headed for that and was the guest (in the spotlight a bit too much). There weren't many people there, but it was fine.

I'm not straying too far from program. In fact, Winnie is sticking to it with me. I still get the munchies and have a night snack, but I'm counting everything. While I'm here, I'm sticking to my exercise schedule as well. 

Winnie when we went to Sacramento. My hostess for the next couple weeks.

I'm hitting the pool on M/W/F with my Speedo MP3 player and my hat, and walking/dancing/moving with purpose in the pool for 45-50 minutes each time. I'm sore at night, so it's working still! 

I have no expectations of weight loss other than to maintain my commitment to WW, eat well and properly, and hope for the best. I do a little more sitting here than I do at home, but it's not that bad. We're making an effort to walk the whole store if we go anywhere and went yard saling Saturday, which included a lot of in and out of the car and walking. Overall, my expectations and goals are the same - keep working it and the pounds will come off slowly. 

So that's the word up to today. As you might have guessed, I'm still fat and still working on it!

Friday, May 25, 2012

Having a moment

No weight loss this week. I'm fine with that after the losses the last two weeks. I will lose this week if it kills me!

But, I'm having a moment. I want to munch. I'm watching the time pass and praising myself for not going into the kitchen for a snack. It's an odd thing, these food urges. I wonder if people who are lighter in weight have these urges and how they handle them.

Not in the best head space right now. I won't snack, but I sure want to.

Still fucking fat. Still fucking working on it.

Saturday, May 19, 2012

Busy day

I've had a couple 'eh' days, and today I'm back in the saddle and holding on just fine.

I added weights to my exercise routine. I saw my upper arms in the mirror and sort of had a moment. No way that's going to go away without some extra work on my part. I don't have a ton of loose skin, so I've got some room to tighten and tone. I've done this before and it's not a hard thing to plan into my days when I don't go to the pool.  I don't expect perfection, but I do expect improvement.

I finished one pair of shorts today and started another. That will be three made and one to cut out. Four pair of new shorts and the old ones that fit should do for Phoenix.

I planted 16 lilies today. I used a hoe rather than a shovel to make up for my knees being stupid. That puts all the lilies in the ground. I need some potting soil to give them a finishing touch. I had a wee stumble, but not a fall. I need to keep working on balance. I suspect that will get better as weight comes off.

Pat came by and showed me some pictures of the beaver dam and we made a date to go out on her trails at 4. We rode through the woods and she showed me some property lines and then we made it to the pond and stopped and got out. The pond is a dammed up spot where there are beaver, turtles, and frogs, not to mention birds and a beautiful view. We saw some ripples in the water near the beavers' house and watched for a while. What do you know! We saw a beaver. She said she and Charlie hadn't seen one thus far, so that was pretty cool.

I came home and fixed dinner and did some work, had an after dinner snack, and now I'm fighting the night time munchies, as usual. I'll be glad when this isn't a daily thing anymore. I want to lose weight, not hate the process. If I gave in every time I had a small urge to munch, I'd be 600 pounds in nothing flat, and we're not going there. I watched Half Ton Mom the other night and she died after her weight loss surgery. It was sad to see someone so young weighing almost 1000 pounds.

I've worked very hard today to keep myself busy and not obsess on food and inactivity. Going in the woods was a good thing. I'm glad that happened today.

Still fat. Still working on it.

Thursday, May 17, 2012

Holy shit, I'mma make it!

That's the total so far. It was 3.4 lost this week and I'm not sure how, but there you have it. I will absolutely make my birthday goal of 50 pounds.

What did I do this week to accomplish this? Well, Tuesday, I ate a 30 point candy bar. Oh yeah, that was a blog post to remember. I have found that I have a fondness for salads and actually have measured the dressing. A little bit goes a long way. I've added protein to the salads in the form of chicken or hard boiled egg. Other than that, it was exercise as usual, counting points every day, and making sure I don't sit on my butt all the time. The only other change I know of is sleep. I have been using medication to help most nights and it's doing the trick. Once I'm asleep, I can stay there. I'll ease off of it as my leg stops being a problem. I'm talking to the orthopedist about that tomorrow. I'm also avoiding naps unless I'm really pooped. And, I'm trying to go to bed at a more decent hour. I love 2 a.m., but it doesn't love me.

I've made one pair of shorts this week and cut another pair out. You can't eat while you sew. I've also been finishing a quilt. You can't eat while you hand sew either.

And I haven't given up, even with given challenges of the week. There's no doubt that I'm still fat, but I'm getting there!

Tuesday, May 15, 2012

Well fuck a duck - I can't be trusted

No, I can't.

I bought a Ritter chocolate bar at Trader Joe's last week. Fast forward to today - I found it in a shopping bag I was getting ready to use for something else. I didn't think twice. I ate it. I fucking ate it. It's not Thursday. I have no points left. And I ate it.

What the hell was I thinking? I can't do that again. I was going to throw the wrapper away and stopped, opened the WW tracker, and added it up. Shit. I'm at negative points for the week! I added my activity points to the week (something I rarely do) and am still at negative 1 point. Shitski. I'll work extra hard in the pool tomorrow, but I just don't know. I may have to chalk this up to extreme stupidity and move on. I also think that I need to hold off on a "day off" this week.

Shitski, fucksi, and pisski. I can believe I did that. It's the way I used to roll. I don't do that now, but then again, yes I do because I did!

Was it worth it? Probably not. I could have eaten 1 serving (the bar is 3 frickin servings!), but I ate the whole thing. It was good, but it wasn't worth it. Nope. It wasn't. Now I'm in a tizzy. It's a temporary tizzy, but it's pissing me off.

Okay, the deed is done. I fucked up and now I move on. Argh.

Still fat, still working on it, and a little miffed at the moment.

Saturday, May 12, 2012

Mind over fucking matter or I hate urges to eat

I hate this time of day. I mean, I really hate it. It doesn't matter what I've eaten up to this point, 6 out of 7 days, I have a nightly battle with old habits. I "want" to go in the kitchen and make something to eat or grab something to eat or whatever. I will not give in tonight, but it still pisses me off.

I've tried distraction (sewing, cards, cleaning), but when I am done with whatever it is, that niggling voice on my devil shoulder whispers to me about the yogurt or the leftovers or the rye bread that would make a great piece of toast, or even the waffles. Nothing is safe, though, if I give in to even one iota of this urge. It could, and has in the past, lead to 'Oh well, I had one; might has well have 10.'


That's the me I know way too well and the me that will get my ass in trouble if I give into unplanned eating. I have met my points level for today and could have a piece of fruit or some green beans, but that's not the point. I don't need to eat at this point in the day. Breakfast, by design of the word, is about breaking the fast. I am learning to start the fast after a nightly snack. That snack has been eaten. A sandwich (had a lot of leftover points). The reality is that I've had plenty. I am not hungry. I just have a fucked up night eating state of mind.

Here's what I think is making tonight so difficult - Richard is out of town, Tom is asleep, and I'm essentially alone. Guess what I used to do when I was alone? Way back in the day, I'd smoke pot and eat. Not long ago, I did just the eating. Before July 25, 2011, I ate every night. I'm sure of it. Since then, I've been done when I was done. And that's where I want to stay.

So, fuck you nighttime urges. I don't need or want you, and I will not give in to you. Just get the frick out of my head and go find some other person to bother.

Still fat - working on it.