Wednesday, September 28, 2011

And just like that, it's Wednesday

I'm pretty proud of my 4.2 pounds at yesterday's weigh in, but now it's time to work towards a 1 or 2 pound loss for the next weigh in without letting my pride turn into false confidence. This losing weight thing is ongoing and one success does not the long term goal make. It sure contributes to it, but it is not the ultimate goal.

What is the ultimate goal? I'm not sure yet. I do know that my short term goal is to get through three days. Today is one of those days. And guess what, I'm making that goal today. Tomorrow should be a fairly simple day to accomplish a 'perfect' day because my mouth will be out of commission. I am having oral surgery and will have an egg sandwich with gouda before I leave, but after that, I doubt I'll be eating much tomorrow. Friday is an unknown too. I did buy soft things to eat that aren't super seasoned, so I'm set up to make it with a sore mouth, but until I know the extend of the incision and grafting, I can't plan for sure. Yogurt and watermelon and feta sound good, though, and I have plenty of that. Tomorrow also will be a pain pill day and lots of sleep, I hope. I am hoping for the best.

When I visit my regular doctor next week, I shall do so with my head held high. He said 'join Weight Watchers' and I did. He said 'you know it's behavioral and you're the only one who can make a difference' and he was correct.

I'm not accustomed to being in such a good space - clear mammogram, clear biopsy for the growth on my nose, and losing weight while enjoying amazing foods - and I do enjoy it. For the short term, I'll shoot for a good day every day. For the long term - I'll plan on that a bit later. I do know this, I want to walk in the woods with the dog. I know I can do that. Yep, I can.

So, I'm proud as a peacock, but not so proud as to get cocky and blow it all over one small success. Magnitude is built. I'm building.

Tuesday, September 27, 2011

Fuckin A!

I aimed for 3 perfect days. Then I aimed for 4. I decided to try not to use the weekly points, but did end up using all but 14 of them. Then I aimed for 5 and 6 days. And lookie there. Today was weigh day and I am down 4.2. I did that. Not anyone else. Just me. I stuck to it and made it work.

Okay, 4.2 isn't magnificent, but it is to me. It's part 3 of a good news run - a clean mammogram, no skin cancer on my nose, and now I've shown my stuff by sticking to it.

Thursday, I get my mouth whacked, so I purchased foods today that will work with a sore mouth and still be on program. I'm not scared or concerned. I want, though, to go 3 days perfectly on program again this week. That's my personal challenge. Should I take it to another length, then good for me.

I will be the incredible shrinking me if it kills me.

Monday, September 26, 2011

Twas the night before weigh in

....and all through the house
Not a creature was munching
But they sure wished they were!

I'd rather keep shrinking, to tell the truth. I hate the belly roll in the pictures from May. I want those gone. But I know I'm doing something right. My capris today fit better and they're one size smaller than the ones I usually wear (like the ones in this picture). I want all of my clothes to fall off. I want to have to take everything in. I want to keep my center of focus and obsession and make this work for me, once and for all, finally and forever.

Today's been a good day. I did go to the Fresh Market and picked up some stuff to go with other foods. I went across the street to Trader Joe's for muffins and polenta. I came home and cut up chicken and gouda and put hard boiled eggs together with a salad from Wendy's. I still say for $1.50, their salad is the best base for other foods! I opened my French dressing and measured out a smidgen and ate a huge salad that was amazing and less than 9 points.

The other good thing that happened today is two-fold - 1) The thing I had removed from my nose last week is noncancerous. I do not need to have further surgery. 2) While I was at the derm office, I prepaid for 8 visits for laser hair removal (they are having a special), and when I return from Phoenix, I'll have my full body scan and start my laser treatments. Time for me to feel good about other parts of me too, don't you think?

My Weight Watchers meeting is in the morning. I have my bag of food for the food drive ready to go. I have my body in check. I've had 6 "perfect" days and can't believe I made it 6 days. I have 14 weekly points that are going to go to waste and that's okay with me. The upcoming week may have some challenges due to the oral surgery on Thursday, but I am hoping that will only make it easier not to overeat.

I will not overeat tonight. I am done. Still fat.

Sunday, September 25, 2011

Not all about me today, just a little bit

Today would be my mom's 88th birthday and is my sister's 50th birthday. Happy birthday to both of them. My mom died in 1994, so she doesn't get to see her youngest hit the 50s! Geeze, the baby sister is no longer a whipper snapper.

This is a picture of my mom when she was either a late teen or early 20s in her Austrian garb. She had that come hither look and all me and my kids inherited that nose. They say when I'm thin, I am her spitting image. We'll have to see, right?

Today was day 5 of perfect points. I slept way too late today and that made it a bit easier to not front load the day with heavy eating. We had dinner relatively late, so I'm not fighting munchy demons tonight. I'm still fat, but I don't hate myself as much as I usually do today. I will be feeling bigger progress in the weeks ahead.

I have oral surgery planned for Thursday, so I need to get my act in gear and go shopping. I think the Fresh Market is on my list tomorrow since I'll be over that way seeing the dermatologist for a followup. Fruits and soft things will be on the list. I think I'm going to pick up some couscous again too. Maybe some sushi for lunch, but that's tomorrow. I have a while to wait for all of that to happen.

So again, happy birthday, Inge. You are missed.

Saturday, September 24, 2011

Another "before" photo. Winnie and I went to LA to see Craig Ferguson's show. This gas station from the Grove is shown in his opening; he is playing drums in front of the pumps. I didn't know that when we took the picture. I don't hate the picture, but am alarmed by the amount of insulation on the body. 

It would be SO easy to flub up!

Still fat!

Fighting a few demons right now. I have Dairy Queen ice cream sandwiches and Dilly Bars in the freezer and had a cone after dinner at a Chinese restaurant. I counted every point for dinner and the cone, and now I hear my name being called from the freezer "Dooonnnnnaaaaaa..... come get me!" But I'm not. I'm on day 4 of a perfect week. I will have a 'scream tomorrow.

The me of just last week would be running to the freezer and eating one ice cream sandwich, two ice cream sandwiches, maybe three ice cream sandwiches. Then, I'd sit here and feel like shit because I ate more than I wanted to and yet I ate it because I wanted to. It's a fucking conundrum to be and stay fat, especially when there's self-inflicted guilt involved.

I'm facing the demons. I'm calling them out. I'm stepping to them. I'm winning in spite of them.

I need to be able to live a real life and not let a meal out with dessert send me down the wrong road. I will and can control the overeating. I will eat and not go nucking futs. Damn this being fat shit.

Friday, September 23, 2011

Damned binge eating thoughts

It's Friday! That means I get to eat all the shit I want, right? What's that say to you? It says "still fat."

I won't, but I sure feel like cracking out all the crap food I can and eating it like a mofo. I repeat, I will not do this. I will not do this. I will not do this.

What would it accomplish? Nothing. It would stymie all efforts up to this point. Three days of 100%.

It sucks being an addict. It will suck less when there''s more time under my belt.

Creepy bear says "good job!"

Is that the creepiest bear you've ever seen or what? I was looking for a graphic that imparted the feeling or concept of "done" and that's what thought I needed. It had even creepier teeth, but I smoothed them out. It was a nightmare-inducing graphic!

A couple of things have transpired. Last night, I was so "hungry" that I was ready to bust all my plans to stick to plan about 100% for three days. Instead, I got up and washed dishes and cleaned the counters. I slept well after that. No guilt followed me to bed.

The other thing is that I just plain stuck with it today. Weight Watchers is doing a campaign for food for the needy in our community, so I've been going through the pantry and picking out new items that I'm not going to use. For instance, what possessed me to buy chocolate oatmeal? Lawdie. I can make plain oatmeal, steel cut, and add chocolate if I really need that! The theme for next week is breakfast, so I pulled out some fruits, syrup, and a scones mix. Hmmm, that scones mix looked pretty good. I remembered a can of pumpkin in the cabinet and got that out and mixed it with the scones mix and baked up 8 "scones." They're not scones at all, but it's a nice pumpkiny snack for 5 points.

For dinner, the guys ate grilled cheese and chicken noodle soup. I had defrosted a piece of chicken yesterday, so I made that for myself in the toaster oven. I also cooked 7 measured ounces of potato and added a cup of cooked carrots to that, then hit it with the hand blender. I've been doing that a lot lately, the mixing of potatoes and vegetables. Salt and pepper, some margarine or Butter Buds, and it's delicious. I've always liked root vegetables mixed together, and this is a great way to stretch a potato and have a heapin helpin of veggies too!

I need to grocery shop. I have oral surgery planned for 9/29, so after that, it will be soft and cool foods for a few days. I will probably make a potato dish or two as well.

Drumroll - today is another 100% day. Here's the breakdown:

Toast and jelly for breakfast - 5 points
Lunch was a modified nachos/dip meal - Fat free refried beans (4), shredded cheese (3), salsa (0), a serving of Kellogg's Special K crackers (substitute for corn chips, 3 points), and a vanilla yogurt (3), for a total of 13 points.
Dinner was 7 ounces of potatoes boiled (4), 1 cup of carrots cooked (0), 6 ounces of chicken (probably less, but I didn't weigh it, so I estimated high at 6 points), for a total of 10 points.
Snacks consisted of the scones (15, again, estimating high, but want to be safe).

That's a grand total of 43, which uses 2 of the weekly points. My personal goal is to not use the weekly points, but there you go, I used 2 today.

I have cabbage and potatoes in mind for tomorrow. Not sure what my protein will be. I'll probably have toast for breakfast again because I have so enjoyed it. I rarely have white bread, so am going to use it up and not let it go bad.

And now, I have blogged instead of grabbing an unnecessary snack. Do I rule or what?

Wednesday, September 21, 2011

Primo choices for one day - Three-day challenge

I've made good choices today and am 3 points down from my minimum. I'll have a cup of fruit in a bit and count the juice; that should take care of that. What made today work?

I planned. I knew I wanted toast for breakfast. Sometimes, toast is the only thing that will do. I got up late, so it was a good day to do that. Two pieces of toast, spray margarine, and jelly. A 5-point breakfast.

Lunch was to be something frozen. I had some Lean Cuisine pockets and zapped those. 13 points.

Dinner was a bit more involved. I've been wanting lentils.  I saved the liquid from the last pot roast, chilled it and got the fat off, then strained it again while cold, and cooked them in that liquid. I can't seem to get them right, though; they're always al dente, and today was no different. I had about 1/2 cup, but counted a full cup to cover anything in the broth - 5 points. I measured out enough potatoes for Richard and me. I served him his and he buttered them on his own. I blended mine with squash and onions and some margarine. That was 7 points. I sprinkled shredded cheese on everything and though it was a little less than 1/4 cup, I counted it as 1/4 cup, and that was another 3 points.

Later, I had some mini rice cakes for 5 points, and I'm up to 38.

I have a high number of points right now, as mentioned earlier. As points go down, I can lower things like the serving size of potatoes, the serving size of the rice cakes, add more veggies and protein, and do a better job on the carb end in general.

So, what made all of that work? The planning? The combination of cooking and frozen foods? Who knows. I'll take it. I have a couple more days of a self-imposed "perfect" challenge. I will bump up the vegetables tomorrow. I've been in the mood for cauliflower, so now's a good time.

My plan for soon, verrrrrry soon

So, let's rationalize, shall we? Good at it, we are.

PointsPlus for the day right now is 41. The final goal for day will be 29. The weekly PointsPlus allowance is 49, broken down into 7 days equals 7 per day. The maximum daily allowance will eventually be 36, so why not shoot for 36 now?

I believe that's going to be my goal in the upcoming weeks - shoot for 36 and stay there, knowing that if I really, really, really need to screw up, I still have a) Mondays to do that and b) some extras for the week just in case.

This week, though, my goal is to just remain true to the plan. I'm just making my way through the program and holding tight to my limits.

Is it a wish?

Naw, it's not a wish, but there was a time when I thought it was.

  • I wish I was thinner.
  • I wish I exercised more.
  • I wish I could wear that outfit.
  • I wish I had done this years ago.
  • I wish, I wish, I wish........
But you know what? Wishing is for non losers. Losers, like me, act instead of wish. hahahaha, listen to me sound confident and like I know what I'm talking about. Yup, I'm a loser. Let's try this again.....

  • I know I can make small changes.
  • I know I can move a bit more every day.
  • I know I can plan my foods for at least three days this week. 
There, that's more realistic. A dream is a wish your heart makes. Knowing I can do something makes it less dream-like and more black and white reality. 

I'm on a downward trend weight wise again and now's the time to run with this obsessive motivation. I can't change anything that has transpired, but I can move forward with Weight Watchers and take it one day at a time. 

Wednesday, September 14, 2011

All I wanna do is have some fun; I got a feelin I'm not the only one....

Okay, so overeating is not considered fun, but shit, it's all I want to do at the moment. When I was doing the graphic on the right, I was a maniac in my mind. All I wanted was to eat, eat, eat. I didn't, though. I definitely did not. I did the graphic instead and then got interested in something else.

What?!? I can be distracted from a desire to overeat? When the frick did that happen and how come I said frick instead of fuck? This is a cussing blog, dammit! I watched the finale of Big Brother. While that was showing, my son came home with 2 peppermint patties for his dad. I said "wait up, lemme look and see how many points those things are." They are, for the record, 4 points plus thingies and I have 2 left and strawberries on the counter coming to room temperature just for me. Then I said that I wasn't interested in a patty or even a half of one.

What?!? I can make a better food choice??? How did that happen? And then, and then, and then, well, time passed. I didn't die.

This is day 1 of the 4 days perfect challenge that was thrown out at the meeting yesterday.

Countdown to October 10

The challenge was posed to the meeting participants today - four perfect days this week. I am taking the challenge.

I also noticed that when I came home to put my weight in eTools, it was already there! What is this magical thing?

I saw this Veruca Salt picture from Willy Wonka on another blog and it so reminded me of me! I want it nowwwwwwwwwwwwwww! I want all my weight loss now! Look at that little bitch. That's my inner me! Oooh, that's a scary thought.

Veruca needs to be gone this week. From here until next Tuesday, there is no room for whiny little wieners who can't be patient and pace themselves. The biggest problem with needing or wanting instant anything is that it's not worth it if you don't have to work for it. I want it all, but I want it a wee bit at a time. I want to enjoy the ride. Leader Lady said to see it as a journey/game and not a punishment. WW being the "it" in that sentence.

No gain, no loss this week. Time to cut that shit out.

Thursday, September 8, 2011

Need and want to get rid of an X or 2

Serengeti has some beautiful clothes in their catalog. I got a new one in the mail and have been drooling over it. I have purchased from them in the past, but their 3X is a bit tight on top. That's fucking embarrassing to say, but it's a real fact. A truth. A reality from fattown. My first goal includes not only 17 pounds before I fly on October 10 (a month!) but to be able to wear the two tops I have in my closet that are a smidgen small. They're new, and they're beautiful. Sigh.

Here's a top I have my eye on in the catalog (NOT the leggins).  I don't even want to consider buying it until I know it will fit right and that means getting rid of an X. I hate those fucking Xs anyway.

I'm totally having issues with night eating all the time. I do not want to become obsessed with fucking up. I DO want to be obsessed with sticking to the points thing. So for the remainder of tonight, I'm obsessed with sticking to it.

Wednesday, September 7, 2011

Success in tiny steps - one night at a time

Still fat!

Went to Weight Watchers yesterday since they were closed on Monday. It was perfect timing. The topic was about not going over to the "dark side" and staying on track as if it was day one. I gained 2.6 pounds. I'm okay with that. I expected 5. I threw caution to the wind and became my "old self" during the week or so surrounding the hurricane and earthquake. I'd like to say it won't happen again, but I can't. For now, my weight graph has an ^ in it rather than a down turning point. It will still trend downward and here is why.

Last night, I didn't go crazy with food. I had a snack or two, but counted every morsel and didn't go overboard. I did have 2 bagel thins instead of 1, but unfortunately, I can get away with that right now because of my weight, which gives me a high point value that I have to get in during the day. I won't die if I don't make 41 points, but my psyche says to go with it, so I did. I also enjoyed some grapes and well before that, some watermelon. My goal tonight is to not have 2 bagel thins.

I just had a breakfast of leftover potatoes and some eggs. Again, my point goal is high, so I probably had more potatoes than need be, but it's all tracked and accounted for and I'm gonna fucking make it.

Note to fat: I'd really appreciate it if you would exit, stage left even. kthxbai

Monday, September 5, 2011

The hand blender, mojo, and a closed office!

I went to WW today since I wasn't able to go last week, and damn them! They were closed. Closed, I say! How dare they? The funny thing is that I worked myself into a lather over going this morning. I took my shower, dried my hair, put on respectable clothes, had my coffee and took my meds, and asked Richard for his support in the - no matter what happens, today is day 1 again. He was and is all for it, knowing that we can't change the hurricane, the earthquake, and the generic stress to which I do not respond well,  but we can change the tomorrows. There ya go. And they were closed! I had called WW this morning to see if they'd be open. No customer service people due to the holiday. I checked the WW site and found nothing. I checked a few state WW sites and they said they were open except for Christmas, Thanksgiving, and NY Day. But I never could find a definitive answer about the Williamsburg office. Oh well. I'll go tomorrow at 10 a.m. I know I've gained, but I must take this step to get back on track. I need to be obsessed. I have 17 to lose before flying.

My mojo is coming back. I gave up night eating for weeks on end and I can do it again. I've played the Donna Rationalization Game since the hurricane and that's now over. A week? About that. I'm done.

And that hand blender. Today, I bought a bag of potatoes. I totally love cooking 2/3 or 3/4 cauliflower with potato filling in the other 1/3 or 1/4, then adding a smidgen of skim milk and either butter or Butter Buds, and using the blender. I bought a few fruits and things today, but not much as we're expecting another hurricane, maybe, this weekend. I'd prefer not to throw out everything in the frig/freezer again.

Okay, bitchin done. I'm still fucking fat and I'm still wanting to work on it so I can get my new knee and in general feel better overall. How dare they close? harumph

Friday, September 2, 2011

Still fat

Hurricane Irene, yeah, we'll say it was her fault. That bitch made me sway from my Weight Watchers center.

That's not true. It wasn't her fault, but it was "easier" to eat what we could rather than eat what we should. We were out of power until Tuesday morning and got cable back Wednesday afternoon. Our cell service is slowly returning as I write this. Our land line was down for a day or so, but that was quick recovery. We lost all the food in the frig and now are looking at a new hurricane maybe coming our way (Katia). It's that time of year!

Bottom line, though, is that I am back on program today and not making excuses. I took the easiest path and that wasn't necessarily the best one. A couple of days, I was "hungry" at night and I had gotten past that. Today is a day to recover my sense of self and get my act together. I don't like being fucking fat and that's what I am and that's what I will remain if I let this streak of "fuckit" continue.

Be gone, evil devil on my shoulder telling me it's okay to keep doing stupid shit.