Sunday, July 31, 2011

One weekish

Tomorrow marks a week and my first true weigh in at WW. I can look at myself in the mirror and say that I have counted every morsel. And I can say that I have leftover points. I went back and looked at the web site tracker and there were no points entered on Wednesday and Thursday, and I know that's not right. I entered them. I had some login issues and I wonder if that played a role. Hmmmmm. I'll do another week with logging on line and if it works, great. If not, I'll have to do it by hand.

I'm not angry today. I would like to have a) a cigarette and b) a heavy snack tonight, but neither of those things will happen. In fact, Tom went to the store and asked me if I wanted anything, and I was able to say no. That is a very huge success. It's +1 for me.

I'm a bit anxious, though, especially now that I see the tracking wasn't working properly for me. I'll take care of that. It's also partially due to the fact that I have to step on the scales tomorrow and I'm a touch skeptical about all these free foods that I "can" eat. I've been so calorie driven all my life. I have no clue what my expectations are. Do I have any?

I wrote an email to Winnie earlier and included this in it, which I think is important, "I've looked at my "before" picture a lot today. I need to see that face and not the face I see when I look in the mirror. My self image is so distorted that I honestly do not see all those chins and cheeks in the mirror. That's some flubbed up chit. But now I have the picture and now I see and now I put myself in check." The picture in question is on the left. I fucking hate it. It's also in my first post of this blog. I can never, ever look like that again. If I have to write one million blog entries, I will.

I need to not stress. I need to finish my evening, go read, and get some sleep. It's all good.

PointsPlus for Excel

Set up these items in Excel, with protein, carbs, fat, fiber, and PointsPlus in column A. Protein value cell is B1, Carbs value cell is B2, Fat value cell is B3, and Fiber value cell is B4.

The formula that goes in B6 (where the zero shows on this example) is:

=MAX(ROUND(((16*B1+19*B2+45*B3-14*B4)/175); 0); 0)

Copy it exactly and paste it into the B6 cell.

Protein:
Carbs:
Fat:
Fiber


PointsPlus: 0

The formula comes from http://www.healthyweightforum.org/eng/articles/points-plus/ . It is not the official Weight Waters formula.
I'm feeling pretty sassy today. I got up way too late, 1 p.m. to be exact. What a bum, huh? I had a quick open face Havarti/seedy bread sandwich for brunch. Then I did a little of this and that since I knew Mike was coming by, which he did. Afterward, I got ants in my pants and a paycheck. The two really have nothing to do with one another, but it meant time to deposit the check. I asked Richard to go to the Fresh Market and bank with me and he said yes. Again, go figure! We got some meats and healthy snacks, I got vegetable sushi for my dinner, and then we went to get pretzels (they were out), to KFC for coleslaw, and then to Wendy's for a burger for him. We brought everything home and enjoyed dinner, and then later had snacks of nuts and yogurt covered pretzels. A few more of those and a couple WW mini bars and my eating is done for the day. Today has been easy. It included some playtime and activity with the dog and well, it's almost over. We're planning breakfast out tomorrow. It should be a nice time.

And yeah, I do feel sassy today. Who knows why? I'll take it!

Saturday, July 30, 2011

Visits and such

I went to visit my brother today. These are not recent pictures, but they're not all that many years ago. A few things of note happened.

First, I had to get gas and it was almost 11, so grabbed coffee and a HONEY BUN! at 7-11. Off to Richmond with me with my breakfast in tow.

I got to Mike's house and met his dogs, then went inside and chatted away with him and Meredith. She gave us the wine we're drinking in the hotel room after Tracey's wedding - ooooh, I see 2002 in the corner of the pictures. (The other picture was at the wedding. Mike, Winnie, and I had shared the room.) Meredith suggested pizza and she went to get that and some fried mushrooms. I had one slice and several mushrooms.

On the way home much later, after an amazing visit, I grabbed a Wendy's burger and a milkshake. Those might not have been the best choices, but that's what I got.

At home, I didn't munch all night! I broke into a package of Weight Watchers caramel mini bars and had a couple of those. While I was enjoying those, I opened up the E-Tools page and started logging my food for today. So far, I have 19 points left of the weekly extras. Amazing. Have I really done that well all week? I noticed that there was nothing logged for Tuesday and I know for sure I had logged the foods, so I'm not sure where that went. I added the daily limit and 6 of the weekly just in case.

The lesson to be learned from today is that I can have a day "off" and still keep within my prescribed limit. As mentioned, not crazy about my nutrition choices, but I am amazed that I was able to have ONE piece of really good pizza and did not get fries and other garbage on the drive home.

Tonight as the time passes, I've been thinking of making biscuits and slathering them with butter or something like that and I worked through the "urge." I had the WW bars instead. I got a wee bit of exercise today, but not all that much. I'll aim for adding some movement tomorrow.

It's wonderful not to hate myself.

Thursday, July 28, 2011

Day 3

I'm alive. I haven't killed anyone. I had a wonderful breakfast. I read some WW materials while I ate. Mostly it was about the free fruits and vegetables and how you need to use the new points system if you are going to go with the free-ness. I'm not having a problem with the points and am using the WW site to track them, though I am ready to track in other ways if needed.

Why am I doing this? Is it time to list the reasons? There are so many, but here I go... at least here I start:
  1. Want to look slimmer.
  2. Want to walk more fluidly.
  3. Want to move more fluidly in general.
  4. Get back a center of balance.
  5. Would like to wear nicer clothes.
  6. Want a puppy in a few years.
  7. Want to get back some stamina.
  8. Want to not be embarrassed to be seen in public.
  9. Want to go to a reunion some day.
  10. Want to improve health overall.
  11. Want to get off some of the medications I'm taking.
  12. Want to go to the beach, to a museum, to places I've been before and would like to experience again.
  13. Want to be able to work backstage again.
  14. I guess it all boils down to wanting to enjoy life and all it has to offer. I could keep listing items one after another, but it all points in one direction. 
I'll keep plugging along this week and making myself stick to the WW program. I've been out of this fat insulation before and I liked it "out there." I'm not sure why I came back to being so fat, but I did. I know one thing - I moved to Pittsburgh, started gaining, and never really stopped.

Okay, that's enough for now. I'm getting distracted from my number one goal and that's to live for this minute and do what it takes to get to the next minute.

============================

Later, around 6:30 p.m.

Most of today's points have been eaten and I feel pretty good about that. I discovered that Quaker Mini Delights (caramel) and Special K Sea Salt Crackers are delicious. Both were crunchy and had nice flavor. I had the Special K crackers with tuna on them and it was a nice blend. They're somewhere between a cracker and Pringles. Both of these made my lunch and dinner more fun. I had a nice fruit salad with yogurt for lunch and the Mini Delights added just the right crunch. I will buy these again. With the higher points in carb-filled foods, it's fun to find carb things that fit the bill and are satisfying to eat. A serving of the Mini Delights was 3 points on Points Plus and the Special K crackers serving was also 3 (30 crisps per serving!). Considering the fruits and vegetables in both meals were free, I can deal with that.

Tomorrow, I will be heading to Richmond for a few hours. I think I'm "safe" on the road again. I have been nonsmoking for 8 months and am a few days into nonmunching, so I'll give it a go.

Tonight, though, I will fight my demons and make it through my difficult period one more time. My plan is strawberries and dip.

Update 05/17/12: The Mini Delights have since been discontinued. Pisses me off that I find a great snack item and it disappears. Pfft. 

Wednesday, July 27, 2011

Anti self loathing

I don't hate myself today. Probably doesn't sound like much, but it's huge to me. One day under my belt and another soon to be.

Not hating one's self is a good thing.

=====================

Later, around 11:45 p.m.

I'm approaching or I am at that time of day when I don't give a rat's ass and play games with my pea brain - Oh fuck it, you can have this tonight; you'll be back on track tomorrow. - Wrong. That's not how it works. I won't be back on track tomorrow. I'll overeat tonight and overeat tomorrow and then won't care again. Here we are, two days into this, and I'm beginning the self-sabotage.

I can't do this to myself again, so here's what I'm gonna to to prevent it from progressing any further - I'm going to contemplate my knee scar. I want another one and won't/can't get it unless I can walk and take care of myself. I have to review why I joined Weight Watchers at all - I can't fucking walk properly, I'm fucking fat, I took a before picture that's a horror show. I don't have any fucking clothes that fit. And the list goes on. I'm reviewing it as I type it.

Argh, old habits suck. New habits are going to be hard to get into place, but I can do it. I quit smoking. I can do anything. Keep saying that, Donna; keep saying that over and over.

Okay, here we go. The rest of the night looms.

Tuesday, July 26, 2011

Did okay

I think I did okay today. I ate my points and a few of the extra ones for the week, but it's like quitting smoking - One day at a time. That's why WW sets it up so that there are "extra" points for the week, right?

Artists of yesterday loved my body, but today, it keeps me going slow. We went to Best Buy tonight to buy a television to replace the one that died during the storm last night. I walked, sat, walked, sat, walked, sat, and repeat. I'd like to walk until I don't need to walk any further.

My reality is that with quitting smoking and the surgery, I've gained 30 pounds. Those need to come off first. Those are the pounds that shocked the shit out of me yesterday. Those are the pounds that keep my clothes from fitting. I'll tackle those one at a time. Today included. No hate. No guilt. No negative feelings toward myself. Hating myself hasn't gotten me very far. In
fact, it's gotten me very far - in the world of continuing to fail on counts upon which I'd prefer to succeed.

That's over, though. This day has gone well. I have a snack planned for later. Not much later, but later. It should color my day done.

It's a new day

Today is focusing on the food and journaling aspect of this trip to me. I'm getting to know the WW site and have pretty much decided to use it as my primary tracker. I just downed my first glass of water. Why is it so hard to drink water? Coffee or Diet Dr Pepper - I can down a ton of it, but plain water is just something I'm going to have to learn to drink.

Motivation for today seems to be consisting of desire to make "this" happen and who knows what else - the newness of it all?

I'm in lazy mode today. I did some arm exercises, but other than that, not a whole lot of moving today. Focus on food and tracking today. One thing at a time.

Take what you're doing and step it up a notch.

Monday, July 25, 2011

A later moment

I received a box of truffles for my birthday, Godiva truffles. About an hour ago, I realized I was headed back to a good space when I said to myself - "You either need to eat the whole box tonight, figure out the points in the truffles and enjoy them over the next several days, or throw them away." Option 1 is not in the cards. I just can't do that anymore. Option 3 is not happening. Option 2 sounded doable, so off to the WW site to figure out the points. I found the nutritional information on Live Strong and there ya go,

I'm happy with the decision and took the time to set up my weigh in day, etc. on WW.

I think it's going to be okay.

Post number 1 - It's your birthday, you're fat!

Fuck a living duck. I'm fat! This is a picture from yesterday. I have chins, no smile because of the cheeks, no eyes because of the fat, a stomach that fucking sucks, and oh my god, I really had no idea!

I started Weight Watchers today. I weighed 309.4 on their scales. I'm not sure I believe that. I couldn't possibly weigh that much, right? Of course not. That's what "those people" weigh, not me.

Earth to self - you're fat. Very fat. 309.4 pounds fat. The earrings and colorful coverup don't hide a thing. Geeze. Next to me in this picture is my newly thin sister. I'll share her some other time. Today, this is about my fucking fatness. You can't even see I have big tatas cause my stomach is so prominent. I thought I looked good when I left the house. the stripes are supposed to be horizontal, not angled. Damn.

So, I started this blog. I titled it something positive - a trip to me is what I'm taking. I totally have to get me back. This is just not where I want to be. It's not where I can be. This is not me. And yet it is. I'm fat.

Happy fucking birthday.